I heard “be yourself” most often when I was young and in school and college. Even as a first-time employee, whenever I attempted something new, I was told, “be yourself!”
Typically, this piece of advice came from a well-meaning senior to a newcomer (let’s call this person the “be-yourself-ee”), especially when the be-yourself-ee is struggling with something that involves being in front of others.
The be-yourself-ee is usually at a loss: It is never clear how to “be yourself”, but to admit to not knowing something that seems so self-evident would add insult to injury, so the beyourselfee struggles as best as he or she can to act as if they were being themselves.
The usual result is not much better than the original attempt and is often significantly worse because now, you are forced to continuously monitor themselves to see if they are being themselves or not!
The added stress of self-monitoring while attempting something significantly complex and anxiety producing like public speaking, attending an interview, or chairing a meeting can have an enormous impact on the desired outcome
What does it really mean to “be yourself”?
While it is easy to tell someone “be yourself”, anyone with half a brain – I love to imagine that I have at least a half brain! – would be forced to ask the question:
What does it mean to be yourself? What does it mean to be natural? If I am not myself, then who am I? Isn’t it true that I am being myself even when I am not being myself because, at that moment, that is who I am!
If you are at the receiving end of this advice, ask “what exactly does ‘be yourself’ mean in this context?” Keep probing until you either get some useful advice or the advisor recognises and acknowledges that deeper thought and examination is called for.
Don’t be yourself!
Here is a novel approach to the “be yourself” conundrum: Don’t be yourself!
- If you are a guitarist, try to be more like your favourite virtuoso guitarist, like Joe Satriani or Guthrie Govan.
- If you want to improve your cricketing skills, imagine that you are like Sachin Tendulkar or Virat Kohli.
- Want to improve your speaking skills? Imagine yourself as Demosthenes, Tony Robbins or any great orator that you admire.
- Want to be a better singer? Think Pavarotti or Christina Aguilera.
The point is – if you study the lives of these highly accomplished folks, and emulate them, you are likely to push yourself way beyond what you would normally be capable of doing.
There is a beautiful story in the epic Mahabharata about a person called Ekalavya. He is denied an opportunity to study under a great teacher of the warrior arts called Drona, so he makes a statue of Drona and practises on his own. Ultimately, he becomes an archer comparable to the best simply through his creative imagination and obviously practising carefully and extensively.
Your self is a fluid concept
My point is this: your self is not a fixed concept. In fact, if you search for your “self”, you will likely not find anything solid. What your “self” is may be the subject of intense philosophical speculation or spiritual enquiry for you, but the only thing you can say with certainty is that there is nothing fixed you can find.
This is a good thing because it means that you can change who you are. You can imagine new qualities for yourself and become those qualities. You can imagine yourself being successful, disciplined, peaceful, joyful, outspoken, honest, independent, and then through practice imbibe all those qualities till they become second nature to you.
Children do this automatically, which means you have most probably done this when you were a kid and you already know how to do this.
Do you feel stuck in your self?
If the self is fluid, then why is it so hard to change? My experience has been that my projection of my self, my public persona – the way I present myself to others – keeps me locked in place. It is this conflict between who I am, who I pretend to be with others, and who I would really like to be, that causes a lot of confusion and pain, and keeps me from changing.
Self examination
One way out of this logjam is to examine these three. You can do this self-examination exercise:
- List out your personal attributes, qualities, and behaviours: For example, I am mischievous.
- Look at those same qualities from the perspective of your public persona: I present myself as a serious person who does not crack jokes or pull anyone’s leg.
- Who I would like to be: I would like to be mischievous (harmlessly) and funny in public.
Once you know this, imagine that you are Russel Peters or George Carlin or <insert your favourite comedian here> and try out a visualization exercise. Imagine that you are in a social situation, not as yourself but channelling <your favourite comedian or wit>. How would you behave? How mischievous would you be? Would you joke around and make people laugh?
Simply doing this exercise can free you from the heavy chains of your public persona and allow you to be free to channel your inner self.
And that is ultimately the way to be yourself!
